What Heaven Sees in You

This song has been on my mind since Lily's baptisim.

Just a great reminder to me of who I am and of who cares about me.

I am so proud of my baby sister for getting baptizied! A bittersweet and wonderful day for my family. It was so great to have such a full room of family and friends from UT and GA but not only them. I felt all of those angels, the song mentions, and their love for me and my family.

Don't Give Loneliness a Chance

well, my head is swarmming with thoughts so I guess its time to blog again.

I don't know if I'm really ready for summer to be over although, I am ready for it to cool off a bit! This dry heat is killing my poor dry skin! On the other hand though, I'm just now starting to get some color on my pale, british skin..It has been a great summer though! I didn't get to do anything too exciting but work and hang out with friends and family but I must say the highlight of my summer would have to be going to california with my family(plus Syb and Levi) and seeing Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block in concert. It actually might have been a highlight in my life to be completly honest. 8 year old dream come true! Wasn't a fan of New Kids before then but I have definatly converted!

Anyways, today was the first day of school for me and I suppose everything went pretty smooth. Only 12 credits so nothing too hectic but still, ugh. I'm not entirely sure I was ready for school to start, although I do admit that I'm excited to start learning again. Learn new ideas and meet new people. Read and Write. Planning on attending Institute too so we'll see how this goes.

Great way to get my cardio on and work my calves, without really, ya know, working out. Even though I really don't mind walking/running lately. I was sick eariler this month due to unknown causes...and umm anyways, my tonsils got super swollen and I couldn't eat or swallow, along with a locked jaw meaningI couldn't eat anything but tea and pills and eventually small bits of watermelen. As you can imagine, after a week and a half to two weeks of this diet, I lost 12 pounds. I know right!? But seriously, WORST DIET EVER!! What I am thrilled about though is that I have managed to keep the weight off so only 10 or so more pounds and I'll be down to my ideal weight!!

So the other night, I was having a very girlie day which meant being all sensitive and emotional and had been texting a friend who decided to stop texting apparently and left me hanging, yes even staring at my phone, waiting for it to vibrate. Yes, I know. Pathetic. And so I did what I knew would help me stop. I turned the dang thing off and popped in "He's Just Not That Into You." It helped a lot.. I'm sure that this friend didn't understand what effect they left me in but just gonna say it out loud.. I Hate it when people just stop texting you! If you have to go, say so! Tell me the deal so I know not to continue the conversation or wait for your response or feel like an idiot! Ok, I'm done.

Things Were Kinda Heavy

So today marks 4 years.

I've been doing my best to be happy and social and present

but end up kicking myself for acting fake towards clueless people.

I ended up getting work off for the night last minute which turned out to be a really good idea.

I didn't know how I would be feeling today.

Sad?

Mad?

Numb?

thoughtful?

a total and complete mess?

Very unpredictable to say the least.

And now the day is almost over and I'm reveiwing my actions and

just relized it was daddy's favorite kind of day.

Beautiful, sunny,"jeep" weather.

Summerfest.

Scottish festival.

chocolate milk and a donut for breakfast.

I've been playing music that he would play and playing memories in my head but haven't had a good cry yet. That somewhat worries me though only because that means that it'll hit me in a week or two at some random moment and won't be able to control it....

WARNING: I am super vulnerable and emotional at this moment in time and may vent about things that are completely random or irrvelevant to anything I'm talking about but end up posting anyways. Also that I am posting pretty personal stuff, not to get attention but to just express and release what's going through my head. If you don't like it or are gonna abuse the privlege, then go away.

Work is awesome.

I don't think I have ever really loved a job before or even liked a job for this long. The "newness" or "fun" hasn't warn off just yet and I'm going on 5 months now.

I love it because of the fact that I work with my friends. I work all the time which means that all my friends are work friends, which can be problamatic when I have days off and everyone else is working.

Plus, I'm losing weight from running around so much despite the fact

that I eat at Brick Oven at least once a week.

only 15 pounds to go!

I love my friends. Tonight, I got to talk to a friend I haven't talked to in a while and it was nice and I will always love her but it wasn't the same anymore. I truely believe that if it hadn't been for a certain 3 people being in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today and might not have even made it to this day. I'm not saying I've ever been suicidal but without these 3 people, life would have sucked pretty bad. I know I'll always keep "tabs" thanks to facebook and such but they have played such an influencial part in my life that I'll never stop loving them. Saying that, People change. People move away. Stop talking to each other and that is ok. It just makes me sad sometimes. These special 3 will always have a special hold on my heart and I know that It'll be ok if we aren't super close all the time. That we dont talk everyday or know what is going on in each others lives still. It's all ok beacuse we know we love one another anyways.

For those of you who "mindlessly" forget or have been "soo busy" or choose not to make an effort, screw you!! I am done putting myself out there when you don't seem to care in the first place.

On the other side though, In church, I've been learning alot about loving the sinner, not the sin. So know that even though I'm mad, I still love you. I'm just done trying to make it work with someone who isn't a good friend back. I deserve better then that.

Told you I was gonna rant....

10 Things I miss most about my Dad:

1. 
   
   his hugs


2. 
   
   his voice


3. 
   
   his reasoning, logic, and knowledge


4. 
   
   sleeping on his side of the bed


5. 
   
   daddy/daughter dates


6. 
   
   his humor


7. 
   
   saying "hey daddy!" or "what's up dad?"


8. 
   
   his way of calming mama


9. 
   
   having the priesthood in our home...physically. (24/7)


10. 
    
    interacting with him. ex: watching him play with lily or listening to him read or learning how to clean one of his guns.

Dear daddy,

I love you so much daddy and miss you terribly. I'm sad I am again not in GA, able to be in our home you built us and be in your room, where you left us but I know your around. I feel your presence around me all the time, even more now that I'm in utah and living at home, ironically enough. I know you miss us too. I see you in my dreams and haven't forgotten you. Thank you for coming to me in my dreams and Lilys', and telling us things we need to hear. I promised I wouldn't let Lily not know you. She is so much like you though so I don't think we have much to worry about. Thanks for keeping me on the straight and narrow. Just promise not to let go. I know your up there in heaven with my babies and with nana and grandpa and Olive and have missionary work to be doing as well, but please don't ever leave me alone.

Love, Em

P.S. If you could steer some good looking men my way that are gonna treat your baby girl right, it'd be much appreciated ;)

Since I got that hold off me, I'm livin life now that I'm free

so it was brought to my attention that people actually read this blog.

on that note, sorry its been a while.

life is good.

it really is.

for now, i guess.

work is great,

i've made some new friends,

making good money,

church is wonderful

and winter has finally passed for good(hopefully).

Lately, I've been thinking about how funny life is.

Last year, at this time i was in such a different state of mind and now well,

I'm different, but I'm glad.

I've grown for the better.

I'm happy on my own...and trust me,

thats not easy to balence.

In fact, this past year has been quite an eye opener for me. I am suprised at my compassion towards our human species, despite the fact I am a waitress...

I have always believed that everything bad happened to me only because God knew I could handle it. I promised him I could. Besides, what dosnt break you makes you stronger, right?

So I guess when I realized that bad things were happening to other people, people i loved, I felt like that was a lower blow. Not that they aren't as strong or anything. it's just that, we had a deal. I'd take the bad and let him or her go.

Now I am reading this and I think I sound like I'm trying to be Jesus or something but thats not what I'm trying to do. My point is, lately I have felt like God has eased up on me and moved on to friends or family and I dont like it. I just want to protect them. Take away their hurt. Not because it's my job but because I know how to handle it. They dont....they can learn but why make them go through it when I already have?

anyways, on a lighter note, I have also been learning alot about the opposite sex.

Their habits affect me.

I only flirt when they start it.

Why can't the ones I want, start it!

I dont know how to start it.( If you have advice, call me.)

On an eternal note, I have also been thinking about my future special someone and the some qualities, traits and habits I never thought to think about but now do.

Things that have never been a question for me in my life, for example, going to church, every week, for the WHOLE time, and being happy about it.

Its crazy to me that people think otherwise.

There's one guy who dosn't do this often enough and I don't know why he does

this but its actually kind of a turn off.

Suprising I know. I never thought that would be so important in making "husband chioces".

Basically, It's a whole new world for this girl.

Nice to meet you Emily

So I have discovered something that if a man did for me, I'd have to marry him. It kind of took me by suprise because I never took myself for that kinda girl, but apparently I was wrong. Now I could post it right here and give away the mystery of me, or I could keep it to myself and keep the boys guessing:) But I will post this video and give away a couple hints. ( I'm NOT hinting at the boy.)

YouTube - Katy Perry - Teenage Dream (Boyce Avenue piano acoustic cover/version)

"lighten up or im gonna throw peanut butter at you."

well, there's only like 2 1/2 weeks left in rexburg, ID.

school....ohh BYU-I

homework & tests.

playing frisbee with the Hurricanes.

mormon bubbles....

living "on my own".

and being with these crazy, wonderful people i call friends.

it's definatly been an interesting semester to say the least.

some i'll continue to live closer to and so that means no goodbyes, to anyone.

i think we've all learned alot. from each other and from ourselves.

i know i have.

im gonna miss these girls.

it amazes me how influencial some relationships can be.

which can be good.

and of course they can also be bad.

but bad is sometimes good.

so there.

so this past weekend i got a 5 day holiday in which i went down to Utah

there i spent time with my family.
we went house hunting, swimming, horseback riding, ate, shopped

and just talked.

i heard from liz today that we are probly gonna by the house that she and i liked the best.

that piece of info definatly put my mind at peace with some things.

i really like this house because:

A. location- it's pretty central and close to everyone (Orem, UT).

B. it's big enough for all of us, plus 2 more.

and most importantly C. it needs a touch of work.

my family enjoys redecorating, painting, gardening, etc.

a new project!

(plus this house could last us another 10 or so years)

heart don't fail me now

i had a headful of thoughts so i decided that writing it down might help sort through them the best.

Tommorrow marks 3 years.

the images keep running through my memory.

feelings and thoughts come back to me.

"keep it together"

"your fine. just fine though."

"it's gonna be ok"

"he is closer then you think"

its hard to be so far away from my family, especially this month.

no one really gets it.

understands how it feels.

yes they can be sad or feel bad but initially dont really get to know.

i would never wish it on anyone but some sensitivity would be great.

so i have recently joined a poetry club but haven't written a poem in years.

the leader of the group has encouraged that i start writting and eventually share my stuff.

im feeling rather inspired just now,

so hear it goes...

i used to see him, hear him, feel him.

but i now long to feel his bear hugs, to hear his british accent, to see his bright, sky blue eyes.

i could see the hurt in his eyes,

the knowledge that there isn't a thing he could do anymore.

nothing he could do to buy more time.

in those beauitful eyes i saw the need for more.

more time with his girls.

more time to live his life.

more time to love what he has.

more time to accomplish all he had dreamt.

more time to feel that he had done what he was suppose to.

yes, i, knew those eyes.

those sparkling blues.

i could always see right through him.

i saw the pride shine through his whole face the day my sister was born.

i could see the peaceful glow, watching him walk, up and down the beach, at sunset.

i could see the pain when he came home.

i saw joy when i won my basketball games.

i heard about the stress and fear when i came home with my learners' permit.

i was often schooled by how much knowledge that man could soak up.

i cried when i saw his tears run down his face the day his "mum" died.

i loved those day dates.

i can still hear him holding his breath, while trying to teach me how to drive a stick shift.

i look through old photos and see how he looked at me.

i saw the approval when i got my first job.

i knew the love i felt everytime he wrapped his arms around me.

i will always remember the stories.

i will always remember the laughs.

i will always rememeber those glorious, baby blue eyes, looking back.

i've had this new feeling where i literally can't talk about whats bothering me

or whatever is on my mind.

kind of strange? i know.

to not have the words to describe whats going through my head or heart.

maybe its that what i feel or think isn't really that important

or maybe

its that i feel like anyone around just isn't going to understand or really even care.

a couple months ago

i was talking to a friend that asked me to share something with her.

she asked me to share my most prized possession with her.

at the time it felt right. good even.

it felt great that she cared.

but now, i have no idea.

i have my plan for tommorrow

i just dont know who i want to involve or

where i should be for a certain time.

i need to find my special spot.