Nice to meet you Emily

So I have discovered something that if a man did for me, I'd have to marry him. It kind of took me by suprise because I never took myself for that kinda girl, but apparently I was wrong. Now I could post it right here and give away the mystery of me, or I could keep it to myself and keep the boys guessing:) But I will post this video and give away a couple hints. ( I'm NOT hinting at the boy.)

YouTube - Katy Perry - Teenage Dream (Boyce Avenue piano acoustic cover/version)

"lighten up or im gonna throw peanut butter at you."

well, there's only like 2 1/2 weeks left in rexburg, ID.

school....ohh BYU-I

homework & tests.

playing frisbee with the Hurricanes.

mormon bubbles....

living "on my own".

and being with these crazy, wonderful people i call friends.

it's definatly been an interesting semester to say the least.

some i'll continue to live closer to and so that means no goodbyes, to anyone.

i think we've all learned alot. from each other and from ourselves.

i know i have.

im gonna miss these girls.

it amazes me how influencial some relationships can be.

which can be good.

and of course they can also be bad.

but bad is sometimes good.

so there.

so this past weekend i got a 5 day holiday in which i went down to Utah

there i spent time with my family.
we went house hunting, swimming, horseback riding, ate, shopped

and just talked.

i heard from liz today that we are probly gonna by the house that she and i liked the best.

that piece of info definatly put my mind at peace with some things.

i really like this house because:

A. location- it's pretty central and close to everyone (Orem, UT).

B. it's big enough for all of us, plus 2 more.

and most importantly C. it needs a touch of work.

my family enjoys redecorating, painting, gardening, etc.

a new project!

(plus this house could last us another 10 or so years)

heart don't fail me now

i had a headful of thoughts so i decided that writing it down might help sort through them the best.

Tommorrow marks 3 years.

the images keep running through my memory.

feelings and thoughts come back to me.

"keep it together"

"your fine. just fine though."

"it's gonna be ok"

"he is closer then you think"

its hard to be so far away from my family, especially this month.

no one really gets it.

understands how it feels.

yes they can be sad or feel bad but initially dont really get to know.

i would never wish it on anyone but some sensitivity would be great.

so i have recently joined a poetry club but haven't written a poem in years.

the leader of the group has encouraged that i start writting and eventually share my stuff.

im feeling rather inspired just now,

so hear it goes...

i used to see him, hear him, feel him.

but i now long to feel his bear hugs, to hear his british accent, to see his bright, sky blue eyes.

i could see the hurt in his eyes,

the knowledge that there isn't a thing he could do anymore.

nothing he could do to buy more time.

in those beauitful eyes i saw the need for more.

more time with his girls.

more time to live his life.

more time to love what he has.

more time to accomplish all he had dreamt.

more time to feel that he had done what he was suppose to.

yes, i, knew those eyes.

those sparkling blues.

i could always see right through him.

i saw the pride shine through his whole face the day my sister was born.

i could see the peaceful glow, watching him walk, up and down the beach, at sunset.

i could see the pain when he came home.

i saw joy when i won my basketball games.

i heard about the stress and fear when i came home with my learners' permit.

i was often schooled by how much knowledge that man could soak up.

i cried when i saw his tears run down his face the day his "mum" died.

i loved those day dates.

i can still hear him holding his breath, while trying to teach me how to drive a stick shift.

i look through old photos and see how he looked at me.

i saw the approval when i got my first job.

i knew the love i felt everytime he wrapped his arms around me.

i will always remember the stories.

i will always remember the laughs.

i will always rememeber those glorious, baby blue eyes, looking back.

i've had this new feeling where i literally can't talk about whats bothering me

or whatever is on my mind.

kind of strange? i know.

to not have the words to describe whats going through my head or heart.

maybe its that what i feel or think isn't really that important

or maybe

its that i feel like anyone around just isn't going to understand or really even care.

a couple months ago

i was talking to a friend that asked me to share something with her.

she asked me to share my most prized possession with her.

at the time it felt right. good even.

it felt great that she cared.

but now, i have no idea.

i have my plan for tommorrow

i just dont know who i want to involve or

where i should be for a certain time.

i need to find my special spot.

i fall asleep counting my blessings.

ok so its mother's day and well it has been a very uneventful weekend.

green and phillips were in utah so it was me and the crazy gypsy room mate the past two days.

plenty of time to do some thoughtful thinking but also some stupidly ridiculous thinking.

like for example, i got to wondering what i would be doing in 5 years. where my life would be then. married? a mommy? frik, what state will i be in? haha! or will i still be single and searching?

it hit me that a year ago today marked the beginning of my last relationship.

funny how things have changed so completely.

although, it would be nice to go back a year or two,

back to the easier, seemingly more difficult, days of "high school", friends, work, etc.

now its more like school, classes, homework, tests, frisbee, work out, rent, kitty!, church?, career?, etc.

ohhhh the irony of my life.

i swear i'm gonna write a book!

mom's happily devorced and plans to move the family back to utah now.

2 1/2 of the sisters are pleased.

im mostly neutral...

liz(16) is liking school and has been exposed to the "FUN" in holding hands and cuddling with boys. Now she understands why i came home with a twinkle in my eyes and a skip in my step when i had a boy:) She use to make fun of me for it but now she gets it:)

anna(14) loves school and has found herself a cutie as well and wants to stay in Joesph city. she says she isn't biased, but id beg to differ... i liked Arizona but HATE small towns and joe city is def too small for this "city" girl.

lily(6) too loves school. she had her very first sleepover this past weekend AND lost her very first tooth! she also has like 4 boyfriends to go around. depends on whose in the room really hahaha:) none of this really suprises me because that baby girl is the most beautiful of all four of us, i think.

i've decided that i'm for whatever reason defective. Who knows why but i feel like i must be doing something wrong to be the ONLY one in my family to not have "it going on" when i'm at college in stinking sexburg, ID!

mom(29:)) is actually doing very well. i think for once, she and i are on the same page... we don't agree on everything exactly but, we are both single, trying to decide what to do with our lives, where to live, etc. we talk almost daily and our relationship is, suprisingly, really good.

i am planning on getting a kitten.

i'll post pics when i do.

i love dogs too but kittens are cheaper and easier to take care of.

i have to pay to keep a pet is the only problem.

and i so i plan to make some quick money by donating plasma 4-5 times

and then ill have my money.

i'm excited:)

i need a cuddle buddy.

someone to take care of. to play with. to tease. to sleep with. to love.

its this or a boyfriend and i find that a kitten has more benefits.

easy to find and keep. dont argue or talk back. listens plenty.

basically, i need my best friend.

there was some drama.

my friend went home.

she said, he said crap.

im glad they finally got their issues out

but the drama and intesity is just uncalled for really.

im torn between two important people.

i won't choose sides and therefore i lose them both.

one thinks my loyalty is comprimised.

the other is too far to keep the same relationship we had before.

(he dosn't handle distance well)

i love them both but its not the same.

he was my brother/best friend.

she's my hero/role model/ best friend.

what's a girl to do?

its a dang cold night

Alrighty, so the new semester has begun and so i have moved into my new apartment with my awesome room mates/best friends and am loving every minute!

the weather has definatly helped my moods lately as far as sunshine and heat goes. wind not so much but i won't complain.

frisbee is a everyday thing that is helping me remembering why i loved the game.

school is gonna be good this semester i think.

classes arent too terrible aside from American fds which is basically politics and such...yuck

so i've decided never to get married.

dating, sure. kids, ill adopt.

but i just don't see the point anymore.

tell me what do u do when it all falls apart

well once again my life has been turned upside down.

nothing stays the same, ever.

even when things are just getting good.

i love my mom so much. i have always found her to be such an incredible woman.

despite our fights and different oppinions, i love her to death.

i have no idea why God thinks that she and i can handle everything he throws at us but he does.

i realize i have the best mom ever.

sometimes she cares too much for me but is that such i bad thing?

no.

school is at its last week and i am making my plans for the break and am looking

forward to alot of planned and unplanned events.

i can't wait to see my dogs!

it still smells just like you

so i am a recovering addict.

he is talented, hot, and quite the heart throb.

i cant help my silly little school girl heart from falling for those songs and voice.

Jesse McCartney:)

i was listening to some of him tonight and am afraid i have been reminded of why i was so obsessed with the dude.

so im back!

i am so ready to be done with school!!

exams and projects and tests and all the other assignments you have to remember,

by yourself, is exhausting!

i have been going to school for 3 straight years now with no real summer break or anything. :/

i guess i didn't think that part through too well.

right back in the water

so i know my titles have nothing to do with what i actually write, its just whatever lyric from a song im listening to while i write.

and funny enough they end up tying in nicely.

im so excited because my family is gonna be up here for three days starting tommorrow:)

i miss my sisters.

i can't wait to catch up and have sleep overs

and just be with some people i dont have to worry about keeping up my front for.

i can just be me and they love me and i love them.

we have the best of relationships.

hate, screaming, yelling and wrestling one minute;

laughing, joking, and real talks the next.

so it started snowing today. :(

just when i was getting ready to pull out my shorts and flip flops. frik.

when does the stupid cold go away?!

im proud of myself for being able to stay on top of my homework

and housework and the little extras lately.

i think im getting the hang of balencing everything.

i was worried a little while ago but maybe this won't be so bad.

i am in a party mood so i am ready for some company :)

but at least for tonight, homework and a bubble bath sound nice.

if you really want to know

so today as i was leaving my humanities class it was suddenly brought to my attention how many girls around me had these HUGE engagement or wedding rings.

and while i walked to my next class i thought about how poor college students are and yet they can afford to get their hopefully new wives such expensive and big rings.

how can this be?

i have also taken note (not that is hard to miss) how many freaking couples there are

or at least how many students at this school have paired off.

whether it be because they're married or just dating, it seems everyone is getting

"spring fever" or has been bit by "the love bug".

Lord help us all.

now i'm not gonna dog on them or rant and rave about how i don't need a man or am lonely.

but i will say, get a friking room.

meant it truely

so my family is coming up to visit me in exactly a week and im a tad excited...:D

hopefully my sister will bringing me some of my spring clothes and plenty of stories to fill me in on.

im sitting in my math class so completely bored!

sugning up for classes was a tad stressful..up till 2am.

but i like my schedule for next semester minus 1 class i might not have to take and then am gonna drop my sci fd class if i dont have to take it.

but otherwise i have 5 classes on monday and wednesday starting at 10am and only 1 class on tuesday and thursdays with two classes on friday :)

a little bummed i didnt get to take my basket ball class though. i might try soccer though instead?

last night for FHE our group had a bon fire out in the middle of nowhere and it was nice to sit around a fire. it reminded me of home and friday nights at chelseys or girls camp. the big black sky with stars scattered across was beautiful.

also, our fhe brothers had trucks so there was like 10 minutes of mudding.

i've had much better but it satisified my craving for now.

merrily we fall out of line.

so i love this new band, thanks to Briana, called He is We.

been a easy friday:

classes from 11:30 till 3

nap till 7

dinner

plan classes...

probly gonna turn in early?

probably playing frisbee tommorrow, IF it doesnt snow...again!

cant wait:)

latest complant staying in the stupid dorms: my clothes are getting stolen!

im missing soccer shorts, my favorite black dress, and some PJ pants :(

i think its interesting to see myself in someone else.

to see yourself in a new light or how you used to be.

i know college has changed me.

alot has changed around me as well as far, far away.

and although ive changed some behaviors,

i think ive managed to not become too a different person.

im still not sure what i want in life.

or more how i wanna go about getting the things i want in life.

i used to take alot of crap from alot of people, even those i loved.

but i cant now, i have more respect for myself.

i wont put up with it.

i dont need it or want it.

people and their relationships fasinate me.

their means of communication, rules, and feelings.

what they think is ok or right.

ive always done my best not to judge until i know the person much better

or at least saw more of their true colors before deciding how i feel about them.

i do my best to keep an open mind but lately

i find myself surrounded by hypocrits and liars.

untrustworthy and well just plan jerks.

i miss sleepovers.

everyone piling in bed and barely getting any sleep but

laughing til 3am and crashing the next day.

3 weeks:)

miss you daddy.

i miss my daddy.

i miss his hugs.

i miss his voice.

i miss watching James bond movies and old Cary Grant classics on sunday nights.

i miss his cooking.

i miss eating his delishious chcolate desserts.

i miss his logic thinking.

i miss him reading to me.

i miss driving his BMW and his JEEP.

i miss his british humor.

i miss getting visits from his thick accented brothers.

i wish he was here to help me become what i wanna do.

he was always so supportive of me.

never let me be lazy.

was always on my team and with him leading my fam, we could do anything.

he told me how it was and that was that.

none of this pull at my heart strings crap.

im listening to Tarzan's "you'll be in my heart" and find the words will always ring true for me and my daddy.

"dont listen to them, cause what do they know?

we need each oher to have and to hold.

they'll see in time, i know.

when destiny calls, you must be strong.

i may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.

they'll see in time, i know.

we'll show them togethe cause,

you'll be in my heart, no matter what they say.

you'll be in my heart always.

just look over your shoulder, ill be there, always."

i miss my superman.

im new, so theres alot to say

so im starting this because well my journal writng is great but i have so much to write that my hand starts hurting while i could type for hours.

first off, i think college life is getting better and better. im warming up to my teachers and classes. got the hang of homework. ive become nocturnal though. its a nice schedule ive got myself in. get home 12ish, eat, shower, homework/facebook/skype and then pass out till the alarm goes.

ive got alot on me right now. alot of emotional baggage. i like to think it goes away but then comes back to smack me in the face. i want so badly to be with my new family. to get to know the new ones and cathch up with the old. but everytime i start longing for them, i remember why it is i chose to go to school so far away.

ive been taking a child development class and have learned alot about how the very second a baby is born, even before that, that everything, EVERYTHING a mother does effects the baby. along with the father, all they teach that baby will help shape that baby to become a strong, healthy person. kinda scary to think about as someone who was once that baby and will one day be a mother. i cant wait. but at the same time, wow.

im not so sure what i wanna do with my life just yet. like i said above, i wanna be a mommy. i love children and i know i am suppose to work with them but what? plus i can't be a mama till i find a daddy and well thats not gonna be happening for another couple years i think. i have things i still need to do without them. i just cant wait to meet them. husband and kids that is. but i definatly am ready to feel needed. ive been raised that way. i like taking care of my loved ones. i cant be selfish. goes aganist my nature.

so back to the careers thing. i was thinking about becoming a baby nurse and get to take care of the new borns in hospitals. maybe even be a mid-wife. but problem is i dont handle blood and needles very well. well i dont handle them at all. so that complicates things. so i started thinking about maybe theropy or maybe sociology. i could be a foster mom or work at an adoption agency. that'd be awesome to me. so im gonna take a intro class and see how it works out. we'll see what happens.

im so excited for next semester! ill have some of my faveorite people living with me. finally! after all the planning and waiting, it'll be here! can't wait for the fun and laughs that'll be had with my girls. movies, parties, sleeping in, music with vibrating walls, laughing, boys, midnight snacks, frisbee, pictures, and so much more.