heart don't fail me now

i had a headful of thoughts so i decided that writing it down might help sort through them the best.

Tommorrow marks 3 years.

the images keep running through my memory.

feelings and thoughts come back to me.

"keep it together"

"your fine. just fine though."

"it's gonna be ok"

"he is closer then you think"

its hard to be so far away from my family, especially this month.

no one really gets it.

understands how it feels.

yes they can be sad or feel bad but initially dont really get to know.

i would never wish it on anyone but some sensitivity would be great.

so i have recently joined a poetry club but haven't written a poem in years.

the leader of the group has encouraged that i start writting and eventually share my stuff.

im feeling rather inspired just now,

so hear it goes...

i used to see him, hear him, feel him.

but i now long to feel his bear hugs, to hear his british accent, to see his bright, sky blue eyes.

i could see the hurt in his eyes,

the knowledge that there isn't a thing he could do anymore.

nothing he could do to buy more time.

in those beauitful eyes i saw the need for more.

more time with his girls.

more time to live his life.

more time to love what he has.

more time to accomplish all he had dreamt.

more time to feel that he had done what he was suppose to.

yes, i, knew those eyes.

those sparkling blues.

i could always see right through him.

i saw the pride shine through his whole face the day my sister was born.

i could see the peaceful glow, watching him walk, up and down the beach, at sunset.

i could see the pain when he came home.

i saw joy when i won my basketball games.

i heard about the stress and fear when i came home with my learners' permit.

i was often schooled by how much knowledge that man could soak up.

i cried when i saw his tears run down his face the day his "mum" died.

i loved those day dates.

i can still hear him holding his breath, while trying to teach me how to drive a stick shift.

i look through old photos and see how he looked at me.

i saw the approval when i got my first job.

i knew the love i felt everytime he wrapped his arms around me.

i will always remember the stories.

i will always remember the laughs.

i will always rememeber those glorious, baby blue eyes, looking back.

i've had this new feeling where i literally can't talk about whats bothering me

or whatever is on my mind.

kind of strange? i know.

to not have the words to describe whats going through my head or heart.

maybe its that what i feel or think isn't really that important

or maybe

its that i feel like anyone around just isn't going to understand or really even care.

a couple months ago

i was talking to a friend that asked me to share something with her.

she asked me to share my most prized possession with her.

at the time it felt right. good even.

it felt great that she cared.

but now, i have no idea.

i have my plan for tommorrow

i just dont know who i want to involve or

where i should be for a certain time.

i need to find my special spot.