Things Were Kinda Heavy

So today marks 4 years.

I've been doing my best to be happy and social and present

but end up kicking myself for acting fake towards clueless people.

I ended up getting work off for the night last minute which turned out to be a really good idea.

I didn't know how I would be feeling today.

Sad?

Mad?

Numb?

thoughtful?

a total and complete mess?

Very unpredictable to say the least.

And now the day is almost over and I'm reveiwing my actions and

just relized it was daddy's favorite kind of day.

Beautiful, sunny,"jeep" weather.

Summerfest.

Scottish festival.

chocolate milk and a donut for breakfast.

I've been playing music that he would play and playing memories in my head but haven't had a good cry yet. That somewhat worries me though only because that means that it'll hit me in a week or two at some random moment and won't be able to control it....

WARNING: I am super vulnerable and emotional at this moment in time and may vent about things that are completely random or irrvelevant to anything I'm talking about but end up posting anyways. Also that I am posting pretty personal stuff, not to get attention but to just express and release what's going through my head. If you don't like it or are gonna abuse the privlege, then go away.

Work is awesome.

I don't think I have ever really loved a job before or even liked a job for this long. The "newness" or "fun" hasn't warn off just yet and I'm going on 5 months now.

I love it because of the fact that I work with my friends. I work all the time which means that all my friends are work friends, which can be problamatic when I have days off and everyone else is working.

Plus, I'm losing weight from running around so much despite the fact

that I eat at Brick Oven at least once a week.

only 15 pounds to go!

I love my friends. Tonight, I got to talk to a friend I haven't talked to in a while and it was nice and I will always love her but it wasn't the same anymore. I truely believe that if it hadn't been for a certain 3 people being in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today and might not have even made it to this day. I'm not saying I've ever been suicidal but without these 3 people, life would have sucked pretty bad. I know I'll always keep "tabs" thanks to facebook and such but they have played such an influencial part in my life that I'll never stop loving them. Saying that, People change. People move away. Stop talking to each other and that is ok. It just makes me sad sometimes. These special 3 will always have a special hold on my heart and I know that It'll be ok if we aren't super close all the time. That we dont talk everyday or know what is going on in each others lives still. It's all ok beacuse we know we love one another anyways.

For those of you who "mindlessly" forget or have been "soo busy" or choose not to make an effort, screw you!! I am done putting myself out there when you don't seem to care in the first place.

On the other side though, In church, I've been learning alot about loving the sinner, not the sin. So know that even though I'm mad, I still love you. I'm just done trying to make it work with someone who isn't a good friend back. I deserve better then that.

Told you I was gonna rant....

10 Things I miss most about my Dad:

1. 
   
   his hugs


2. 
   
   his voice


3. 
   
   his reasoning, logic, and knowledge


4. 
   
   sleeping on his side of the bed


5. 
   
   daddy/daughter dates


6. 
   
   his humor


7. 
   
   saying "hey daddy!" or "what's up dad?"


8. 
   
   his way of calming mama


9. 
   
   having the priesthood in our home...physically. (24/7)


10. 
    
    interacting with him. ex: watching him play with lily or listening to him read or learning how to clean one of his guns.

Dear daddy,

I love you so much daddy and miss you terribly. I'm sad I am again not in GA, able to be in our home you built us and be in your room, where you left us but I know your around. I feel your presence around me all the time, even more now that I'm in utah and living at home, ironically enough. I know you miss us too. I see you in my dreams and haven't forgotten you. Thank you for coming to me in my dreams and Lilys', and telling us things we need to hear. I promised I wouldn't let Lily not know you. She is so much like you though so I don't think we have much to worry about. Thanks for keeping me on the straight and narrow. Just promise not to let go. I know your up there in heaven with my babies and with nana and grandpa and Olive and have missionary work to be doing as well, but please don't ever leave me alone.

Love, Em

P.S. If you could steer some good looking men my way that are gonna treat your baby girl right, it'd be much appreciated ;)